Posted: January 16th, 2013 | Author: Kieran Brown |
We all know that Spider-Man can do whatever a spider can, right? Well, maybe not, it seems there’s more than a little exaggeration going on here, the only genuinely spider-like ability that he possesses is wall crawling. So, let’s see just what weird spider-like tendencies Peter Parker seems to be missing.
Spider-Man’s Woefully Absent Venom Sacs
There are a remarkably large sampling of spiders that use venom to kill or disable their prey, so much so that it’s more than a little surprising that one of Peter Parker’s many arachnid abilities isn’t the ability to use venom on people (that’s the injected poison not the alien symbiote suit).
He’d be a very different superhero with the ability to paralyse, cause heart attacks or cause massive blood clots in criminals, presumably if Punisher ever got bitten by a radioactive spider we’d see a lot more of this.
Peter Parker Has Yet To Liquefy Anyone’s Organs
Spiders are by and large carnivores (there is one known exception) and they tend to feed by trapping, killing and liquefying the internal organs of their prey (not always in that order). The simple fact is that the bulk of a spider’s digestion takes place outside it’s own body but we never see Peter Parker dump stomach acid on a hotdog (much like Jeff Goldblum’s Fly) or pump his gut goo into criminals (again that would probably be out of character but being able to do something and choosing not to do it are a little different).
Peter’s ‘Spider Sense’ Makes No Sense
Spiders have the innate ability to avoid most danger, no matter how hard you throw that boot at them. Spider-Man would have you believe that this is some borderline psychic ability that allows them to read immediate danger without normal sensory perception. The truth is that spiders know you’re coming to squish them because they have eyes in the back of their heads… literally, the sides too. It would be a bit of a waste if the eight eyes (some have more) were all pointed in the same direction wouldn’t it?
What’s Up With Spider-Man’s Webs?
The organic silk protein produced by spiders is weight for weight stronger than steel and if it could ever be mass produced, in a timely and cost effective manner, would be a much more efficient alternative to Kevlar for body armour. Now, Spider-Man does a lot of web slinging, he swings about like an inner city Tarzan with ADHD most of the time but he’s not producing spider-silk. Simply put he’s just using a clever but artificial knockoff of spider silk that is shot out mechanically. Spiders can also produce seven different types of silk that they use for various purposes, versus Peter Parker’s one.
Peter Parker’s Sex Life Would Be A Lot Creepier Spider-Style
Now for starters Peter Parker shows absolutely no fear of being killed and eaten by any of the women in his life (my god is this guy a ‘playa’ for someone who’s that nerdy). Male spiders, dependant on species and the females ‘mood’, are often eaten after mating. Just in case you think a night of passion is totally worth getting your internal organs liquefied and sucked out like a meat slurpee you have to know that spider reproduction involves the male literally handing over a sperm packet. Which is the equivalent of pregnancy via Kleenex.
Of course there are a number of species that have ways of avoiding the unfortunate dinner portion of the date, they rely on hypnotic dancing and bribes of food.
Why Haven’t We Seen Peter Eating People Yet?
As mentioned in the disturbing look into arachnid love lives, Peter shows a distinct disinterest in eating his fellow humans. Which is fairly unusual for all but a few species of spider, hell even the lone vegetarian spider will eat it’s own kind if it gets too hungry. Or maybe he just has a really well stocked fridge.
Spider-Man Can’t Regrow Limbs Or Shed Skin
Not mentioned in Peter Parker’s repertoire of superpowers is the ability to heal and regrow lost limbs. Spiders have been known to heal damaged carapace sections and even lost limbs by simply shedding and growing a replacement. Imagine if for every cut and injury that Spider-Man suffered there was a Peter Parker peel lurking around somewhere… creepy. Also with this being a fairly common ability of spiders it kind of makes you wonder why ‘The Lizard’ even bothered becoming a lizard, we could have had two Spider-Men instead!
Spider-Man Can’t See In Multiple Light Spectrums
Tests on a number of spider species have shown that most jumping spiders (let’s face it Spider-Man does a lot of jumping) seem to be capable of seeing ultra-violet light. I’m not talking just about being able to see blood splatter and semen stains CSI style either. It’s not just a single colour lamplight to them it’s the entire UV light range. They see it the way we see our light spectrum meaning that their world is possibly viewed the way stoned people see laser light shows.
Spiders Can Jump Up To 50 Times Their Own Body Length
So Spider-Man can jump, it’s a given, but does he jump anywhere near far enough to be able to call it a spider power? Well… no. Jumping spiders can jump anywhere from 20 to 50 times the length of their own bodies. That’s a jump distance of 120 to 300 feet. That’s a considerably greater jump range than Peter Parker has ever shown, practically almost a third of the height of the average building in New York.
Spider-Man Probably Doesn’t Taste Like Peanut Butter
Ok, this isn’t really a super-power but it’s most likely true. In some cultures spiders are cooked and eaten. For those of us that can’t stand them in the same room as us this is pretty nasty, but for people with disturbingly open minds and mouths it’s an unusual treat that they tend to describe as having a nutty flavour, most commonly associating the flavour and gooey texture with peanut butter.
Now if we were to kill and cook Spider-Man do you really think he’d taste the same?